(Note: I “drafted this email Friday evening after an exceptionally “taxing” (October 15th) week. I’m now editing Sunday morning on the subway in search of that perfect NYC bagel. What a perfect NYC experience.)

I hope you’ll stay with me. I promise to make this about more than just darkness.

We’ve been asked, why are you doing “this”. We’ve tried to provide some of the insight into our very human thinking on this. And it is nuanced.

I got a text with a follow up call from one of my dearest of all friends, Mike Quillin, earlier this week. His Dad’s death was imminent. He wanted to talk, ostensibly about trust and estate and other stuff that I have knowledge, but also, I sensed to just touch base with his friend. It was wonderful to hear his voice and just talk for a bit. Mike is a fellow traveler down the journey with life threatening illness. He’s my brother! AND I love him dearly!

It really doesn’t take much since my struggle with cancer for that part of me to get switched on. I try my best to only let it be appropriate, but sometimes I just need to talk. Mike’s Dad and my current struggles have led me to some melancholy. I used to fight it off. I’ve learned to just be with it and let it pass.

I’ve talked about my Dad some in earlier emails. Simply, I loved him, I just didn’t like him much. It is as much me as it his him. You see, my Dad retired at 51. And when I say retired, I’m not talking about anything similar to my transition from work. He literally walked out of his AT&T office in Sacramento one day in 1982 and never returned. I can’t even write me and “that” word (retirement) in the same sentence. Why you ask? Well, from my perspective, my Dad spent the next 37 years doing virtually nothing. At least nothing worthy from my perspective.

In early posts I’ve written about this (BK) being an opportunity to change habits. To build new habits. I have much of my Dad in me and not just his blood. I have a tendency to be less active than is good for me. I have a tendency to be less active than is good for my relationship with JDT. AND I’ve desperately wanted, and want to, change that. To evolve.

JDT and I have started to have conversations we have had very little of in the last 20 or 25 years. It is wonderful. And it at times includes discussions of our lives in front of us. I like to use the term “meaningful life” when I talk about what is around the bend for us. JDT asked me last night what that meant. What a great question! I had to think about that for a while. And I landed on a life built around continuous improvement. So, how is that any better than Meaningful Life you ask? To me it provides tremendous clarity. It provides the space for it to be on the spectrum versus a binary (yes/no) question. There will be moments of tremendous discovery. There will be moments of much less when you rest and relax and prepare for the next period of improvement, of evolution. Simply for me, it is evolve or die. Sometimes it will be one step forward, two steps back. Life works that way.

So, to try to answer those that ask why, we are doing this as a part of our continuous improvement journey. And it is joyous!!

I promised that after reconnecting with my cousins, I wasn’t done. A college friend had reached out to me about my college roommate, Therese. He was hoping to “find” her after 30+ years because he found her doppelganger. (He sent a picture. I thought it WAS her 30 years ago!) I wasn’t much help, but Wes did it!

And guess who reached out to me today? Yep. Therese. I told her that just seeing her name pop up in my FB DMs made me cry. She reminded me that we became roommates 40 years ago last August. Ouch. We talked for an hour. 30 years since we last caught up – that left us with a lot to talk about. My “work” for the day is done. What a joy!

Do it. Reach out. When life slows down, it provides all sorts of opportunities. Look for them. Take them. Enjoy them.

Update to the update of the update! I just got off the phone with my old (as in long ago!) job-share partner from San Clemente days, Julie. So that’s taking us back to 1990-91. I assumed she’d read my “Ebb and Flow” update and I thought…It’s working! Someone’s taking my advice! Nope. She hadn’t read it (though she’s been following along on our blog) so I guess I’m not as powerful as I thought! Still…I’m so glad we had a chance to chat!

Nothing earth-shattering…but the weather is absolutely delightful here. It actually feels like a California fall right now – warm and dry with a gentle breeze. This warm weather is delaying the fall colors so we may not get to enjoy that beauty like we were hoping. We are heading out to the Hamptons next week. It will be cooler there so maybe we’ll get that hint of fall color there.

We’ve been busy with some late nights which is way out of our norm! This week we saw Tina! on Broadway. Yes, I snuck in a couple photos. Notice that we were in the FRONT row! I needed a booster seat to see, but seriously…I’ve never had the star look right into my eyes while belting out “What’s Love Got to Do with It?” And oh my, can that woman dance?! It was a lot of fun though obviously her life was filled with a lot of drama. It was definitely a sing-along.

Wednesday we went to the Met Opera and saw “The Fire Shut Up In My Bones”, the first performance of an opera by a Black composer. In fact, it’s based on the memoir of Charles M. Blow, the NYT writer. The opera was written, directed, choreographed, and starred an entirely black cast. While we aren’t exactly “opera” people, it was such a wonderful experience to be there, watch all the fancy people, enjoy the beauty of the venue and just bask in the glory of NYC.

Last night we had the pleasure of dinner with cousin Randy, Alison and their daughters who both live in NYC. What fun to get to know them and enjoy a most delicious Italian meal. We PROMISED to get together at home. Keep us honest!

Phew. These old folks are tired! “Tonight” we’re gonna try to get into Lucali, a great small restaurant in Carroll Gardens. They serve two things, pizza and calzones. We tried a few nights ago, but this is how it goes. ..Their website says, “Come before 5:00. Put your name in. Go have a drink. We’ll call you.” So we got there at 4:45 and got in line to get in line. When we got to the front to put in our name, the next open table was at 10:30 that evening! So obviously we walked over to their “take out” restaurant a couple minutes away and enjoyed a slice at the outdoor tables. (By the way, they have a great bottled negroni there!) Today we’re going to go to Lucali at 3:15 and get in line to get in line. Hopefully we’ll eat by 6:00! Wish us luck!

We had the great pleasure of hanging out with my cousin, Randy and his wife Alison today. You might remember that in the original Ebb and Flow post I talked about reconnecting with my cousins who though not far away, we haven’t seen much over the years. We all get busy and there are lots of twists and turns in the river of life. It’s nice at this stage to be able slow down and share some laughs with people who matter – even if it’s all the way across the country!

Interestingly, Glen and I aren’t big garden/plant people, but we ended up meeting with Fremont and Stephanie at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden and we met with Randy and Alison at the New York Garden. Turns out it’s pretty nice to get out of the hustle of the city and relax in the green-turning orange and red foliage. The NY garden is freaking amazing with lots of space that feels like you’re far, far away in the woods. We barely scratched the surface of what’s there. Hmmm…will we return? Time will tell.

So thanks to my cousins for introducing us to the world of plants! And Randy and Alison – We look forward to seeing you and the girls on Thursday!

Okay. Those were a couple heavy posts. Have I mentioned how much I/we love it here? GAT loves it so much he took a red eye to get back here sooner! Or maybe it’s because he missed Dug and me!

Yesterday I took the subway over to the East River, south of the Brooklyn Bridge. There is a WONDERFUL park/walkway along the river that extends for more than a mile. It wanders through park-like nature areas and out onto piers and back along the edge of the city. The Manhattan skyline is always in view. There are soccer fields full of kids and adults playing with joy, fishing areas, yachts in the marina, multiple bridges crossing the river, the Statue of Liberty, and Governor’s Island. At the north end is DUMBO (I always forget what it stands for) where there is a carousel and a “food court” a la Chelsea Market or the Ferry Building in San Francisco. All along the pathways are plenty of seating options to sit and enjoy the scenery and some great people watching. Note the wedding photography going on! And though I didn’t have a ticket, the Brooklyn Nets were practicing at an outdoor facility and the public is invited to watch – if you knew about it and had a ticket. 😦

While the weather has definitely turned and it was a gray and chilly day (though I still was wore shorts), it was a beautiful way to spend a few hours. Enjoy.

I’ve attempted to write this blog post three times. And frankly, it’s devolved into a post about me. While I normally slog past that occurrence with debatable success. I really want this post to be about others; three wonderful others.

JDT (’82) and I (’83) are graduates of Chico State. For many MANY reasons that there is not enough blog space to accommodate, JDT and I care very deeply about Chico State. Simply put it is a major cog in the wheel of two well lived lives. AND while it may not have created the essence of JDT’s “inner conflict” post, it absolutely nurtured and enabled its development.

The picture above was taken this past Thursday in Chico. To my left is Chico State College of Business (COB) Dean Terence Lau. I was part of the hiring team that brought Terence to campus some three years ago. I’ve had the extreme pleasure of getting to know Terence and his family. Terence is leading great change at Chico State COB and is destined to do great things, and will only be limited by his aspirations. AND I don’t believe that will limit him in any way. The other two individuals are the very first Thomas Family Fellows. These were awarded during the pandemic, so this was our first chance to meet. To my immediate right is Dr. Hyunjung Kim. To the far left is Dr. Kirk “Damon” Aiken. We had a lovely lunch. The COB saying is “Company Worth Keeping”. INDEED!!

I’ve intentionally kept this post brief. If you are interested in it in any way, or have any questions, you know how to reach me.

Remember that law class story? Remember the discussion about the point of laws? I had a run in with the law today and I’m still…angry.

We feel VERY COVID safe here. There are rules and they are largely followed. We mask indoors. We show proof of vaccination to eat or drink indoors. We keep distance in lines. We wash our hands frequently. Nothing difficult. Just common sense. Just common courtesy and respect.

We travel on the subway daily, sometimes multiple times in a day. 98+% of the riders wear masks. True, the quarters are close and some trains are crowded, but people are careful and respectful of others.

Everyone except one group. The NYPD. I can’t tell you how many officers don’t wear a mask in the subway system. The percentage is high. Every time I have walked past an officer without a mask I have held my tongue. Why? Power? Fear? MYOB? Not wanting to be a “Karen”? It is so annoying and UNJUST.

Cue up my last post – the law class where the professor tossed out a student no one said anything. He then asked the students if he had committed an injustice. And – What do laws mean if we don’t practice them? Why had the students remained silent when they saw injustice?

As I was seated waiting for my train today, I watched two cops standing on the platform. One on his phone, the other just standing. Neither had a mask. I struck up a conversation with the older Black woman who was seated next to me. She had noticed it, too. We questioned whether we misunderstood the laws/rules about mask-wearing. I googled it. Nope. Masks are required. There are signs all over the subway system reminding everyone to wear a mask. The loudspeaker announcement came on reminding everyone to wear their mask. I told my seatmate that I was thinking of going over to them to ask about their masks. She said she was thinking the same thing. I said probably better me than her. She said, yes, sadly, yes. I couldn’t be silent. I went to the officers and asked why they weren’t wearing masks. One said he was on his phone. The other said he was drinking coffee. I asked if they’d heard the loudspeaker. Yes. I asked again. Why aren’t you wearing masks? The phone cop said he’d put his on. The coffee drinker just looked at me. I asked if he would put his mask on when he was done. He just looked at me. I noticed a family with small children on the other side of the cops. I told them that they were endangering those children. They just looked at me. I was angry and didn’t trust my next words. I wanted to take their picture with their badge numbers so I could report them. I walked away. My seatmate thanked me. She reminded me that the cops could write a $50 ticket for any passenger not wearing a mask. I didn’t know that. The train came, we said good-bye and boarded. 100% of the passengers had masks on.

Indeed, what is a law if it is not practiced – especially by those who are supposed to enforce it?

I’m hoping that speaking up when I see injustice is like a muscle memory. It will get easier and more automatic.

Today I spoke up. But I wasn’t brave enough to take their picture. Progress.

Those of you that are following JDT and me know that I’ve been in CA for a brief, yet incredibly fulfilling and busy visit. You’ll also know that my last post was a bit inane. Frankly I needed to get away a bit. Having done that, I’ll get on.

I intend to post two blogs, at least thinly connected.

As I’ve said in earlier posts, a significant desire for our BK adventure was to rediscover our relationship with each other. Simply put, how to be a couple and work toward more of a shared experience. From my perspective we’ve earned an A+. Particularly for two incredibly independent, strong minded, strong willed individuals. Interestingly, this is one of the biggest attractions for me of Joyce. AND this shared experience has rekindled that attraction. And life is messy. Those that know me well, know I am keenly attracted to messy.

Before I left BK to come to CA, JDT asked me if I had read the blog recently. Now I see why. Over the course of our blogging, we will each occasionally mention or ask about one of our recent posts. I’ve come to believe, that part of being strong willed and strong minded is also a sense of pride (at least for us). I know when I ask JDT it comes from my sense of having done something good (in my opinion). Well, if you want to really know why I love my wife so deeply, please read her blog post “inner conflict”. JDT you done good!

I like to say – Answers are overrated. Questions are the good stuff. And, maybe it would be better to say the question and the search for answers is an essence of the human existence. While reading JDT’s “inner conflict” I began to cry. Certainly not of sadness, but of the realization of just how beautiful and wonderful JDT had stated one of the biggest, if not the biggest inspirations in our lives. JDT you inspire me!

This blog writing can be challenging. And maybe not in the way you are thinking. I have found myself wanting to write a post, but my ideas and thoughts are all over the place. I’ve been trying to gather them in some cogent way. I think I’m going to give up on that idea and just write. Maybe a bit of a stream of consciousness. Fair warning. You can stop reading now…

It’s October. I can’t believe it. Where is our time going? I find myself a bit emotional and it’s coming from somewhere between sadness when I think about leaving Brooklyn and excitement when I think about returning to Walnut Creek. GAT and I have tried to stay in the moment. I think we’ve succeeded…so far. Part of my confusion of emotions is because as we speak, Glen is in California – WC and Chico. I was supposed to go too, but circumstances changed so it’s just Dug and me in Brooklyn. I’m not exactly jealous of Glen…but maybe envious? And yet…

Here I am working on my independence again – fear or familiarity? Remember that so long ago? Well, I can report that I have conquered the subway (I only took one wrong train yesterday!) and I am filling my days with adventure out and about in Manhattan and Brooklyn. In fact, tonight I am going to “Six” on Broadway so yes, even the subway alone at night!!! (Don’t tell Earl, our next door neighbor. He would not approve.)

Our days here have been so full and we still have so many adventures to complete before we leave. While our list is getting shorter, it is also infinite. That’s what I love about New York. On Monday, we went to The Met Cloisters. It’s a beautiful, serene place up on the bluffs over the Hudson at the top of Manhattan, further north than we have ventured. I can truly say that I never would have made it there on a “regular” trip to NYC. Having this time is such a luxury. Which brings me to another mix of emotions.

Glen and I live with such abundance. Family. Friends. Finances. Freedom. (How’d I end up with four Fs?) We try to make the most of our good fortune, acknowledging that it was through hard work, effort, and careful planning (Glen’s) that we have arrived here. AND I know that we had a leg up on our path based on the color of our skin. Being in Brooklyn, I have become so aware of the privilege that I enjoy. I understand how much easier it is to be “blind” to my privilege when I live in a place where I don’t have to “see” it every day. So as I look around here, I am forever thinking, how do we make this life, our life (or whatever the preferred life is) available to everyone? How do we change a society that is so entrenched in its mores?

Then my friend Sherry posted a story on FB (yes, THAT FB – ugh). It was a familiar tale of a professor opening a law class in an unusual way – taunting the class by kicking out a student for no obvious reason, then asking them if he’d been right to do so. The obvious answer was no, but the students had stayed silent. The professor asked them about the purpose of laws. Their answers went from creating order, to providing justice, to protecting rights. The professor asked if he had done an injustice when he kicked the student out for no apparent reason and the students agreed, yes. Then he asked, “Why did you all stay silent? If we have laws, what do they mean if we don’t practice them?” Is there a connection between laws and dignity?

And there’s my answer. We can change society. We speak up. We call out injustice. We act. We engage. We be an upstander, not a bystander. We actively work to make our community – wherever that is – a safe and abundant place for all, in all ways.

Last Sunday, I woke up thinking about the Women’s March. I’ve marched in every march since January, 2017. I was hesitating to march because they say “never march alone” and here I am in Brooklyn without my usual cadre of marchers. I found myself feeling very emotional about Roe v Wade, the law that is being threatened. Therefore I decided I had to follow that emotion and march. And engage. And use my presence as an act. So yes, I marched – alone and with thousands of people.

I marched because I can’t stay silent. I’m glad I did.

I wish dignity, justice, hope, and abundance – for all.

PS “Six” is a fabulous play with a powerful message of the importance of telling your own story, standing up for yourself and each other, working together. And “girl power”. Go see it when you can. You won’t stop singing.

Travel is a complicated topic. There are many reasons to make travel a part of your life. I think one of the most important reasons is to learn about other people, places, and ways of being. Visiting other places develops understanding and empathy and makes connections. It broadens your thinking and experiences. You might even learn a little history! Travel is especially good for aging people. (Ugh – that hits a little too close to home.) It forces you to use your brain differently, to problem solve, to plan (or not?!), to experience new things. Glen and I love to travel. I often say that while we are on vacation, our major conversations are about our next destination. That’s half the fun – thinking about what’s to come. And yet…

As we live in a global society, there are considerations to ponder so that we can travel responsibly – for example, what’s the environmental impact of travel itself, the impact of additional people in a community, financial implications, the potential to spread viruses, etc. I read an NYT article today that discusses ways to be a “better” tourist. The author suggests that we ask the question – What impact will my presence have on the place I am visiting? This is a question I have struggled with while here in Brooklyn. How can we respectfully participate in the community without having a negative impact. Are we just imposing ourselves on the community? Or better yet, how can we have a positive impact? And that makes me wonder…is that just me thinking about me again – as if my impact is wanted or could be useful? It’s a bit of an inner conflict that I have wrestled with since we arrived.

I also just finished a book that I highly recommend – The Warmth of Other Suns by Isabel Wilkerson. (She also wrote the more recent book – Caste.) Her topic really hit home considering our location. The author presents her research on The Great Migration from the South to the North during the middle of the 20th Century. She explores the lives of three Southerners, two men and a woman, who left their communities in Florida, Mississippi, and Georgia and migrated to Chicago, New York and Los Angeles, for different reasons. One of the themes of her research is the conversation about whether Black Southerners were leaving something or going to something.

I learned a lot from this book and it caused me to consider our presence in Brooklyn. We are in a community that was populated by Black migrants from the South in the ’30s-60’s. They made this vibrant community what it is today. There are obvious signs of gentrification in BedStuy. Our neighbor Mike, told me that many of the locals are beginning to sell their brownstones to hipsters who can afford them and who will refurbish them. These brownstones have often been handed down from generation to generation and the families see an opportunity to sell at a high price allowing them to return to their familial roots in the South – even though they’ve never lived there. This tracks with Wilkerson’s research. While there are many Black-owned businesses in our neighborhood, there are also plenty owned by Whites indicating a change in the demographics. So while we aren’t “hipsters” (haha) and we’re not buying a brownstone or opening a business, how is our presence contributing to that gentrification or demographic change process?

So just how do we fit in? Remember when we first got here and were welcomed to the block party? We met our neighbors, received home-grown herbs (not that kind!), and Glen received a t-shirt from a our neighbor, Mike. Also, remember that Glen bbq’d by the stoop and shared his ribs with passersby? I’ve also written about my daily interactions with the groups of older men who play cards or just sit on the sidewalk and watch the world go by all day. We’ve felt so welcome and continue to have stoop conversations with our neighbors including with our next door neighbor, Earl who kindly and protectively provides us lots of safety advice. We try to contribute to the community by spending our money in our neighborhood. We regularly buy our groceries at the local market vs the “Whole Foods”ish market that’s nearby and I run to the corner bodega just about every day. We go to the bakery and coffee shop down the street several times a week. We visit our “Cheers” bar regularly and eat at local, neighborhood restaurants. We support local business owners.

So what are my questions? Hmmm…Do we belong here? Are we part of the problem? Can we be part of the problem and part of the solution? Have we found a way to be a “better” tourist by spending an extended period of time in one place?

I’m still not sure how to answer those questions.

A few photos of our neighborhood as you ponder the questions…