My Dad died on May 19, 2019. I was fortunate, I was able to sit with my Dad for the last few days. He was mostly not conscious, AND I believe he heard everything I said to him. Like many of my generation and my Dad’s, we had a complicated relationship. AND viewed through the Love or Like question above, it was a paradox. You see, for most of my life, my Dad and I really didn’t much like each other. Sure, there were moments, particularly when I was younger, where we liked each other plenty. But, as I evolved from adolescences to adulthood, those moments became quite rare.

Like is a pretty simple proposition. I like hamburgers more than I like hot dogs. I like Mondays more than I like Fridays. I like Mary Ann more than I like Ginger (Gilligan’s Island ALERT!). You see, if presented with the less liked choice, I’d simply pivot and be just fine.

One of the many distinguishing features between good parents and less good parents lies within the like – love equation. To me, childrens’ job is to test their parents (I was world class!) And, often these tests can be subtle. But, make no mistake, they are to be found everywhere. Even JDT (in all her conflict avoiding glory) tells stories of testing her Dad (boy do I miss Tom!). Maybe she’ll share those stories with you sometime, they are priceless. I believe Tom’s words to a young Joyce were something like, I don’t care if you like me, I only care if you respect me. I believe, if Tom were alive today, he and I would agree that love and respect are interchangeable in this context. I learned many things from my relationship with Tom. This was chief among them and one I customized for my own use with Niels and Blair. My version? “I may not always like you, I will always love you!!”

Make no mistake, I know where I fall on the question posed above.

I love you Dad, ALWAYS will!!

It was a busy week. Lots of walks. Lots of delicious meals. Lots of photos. And “the best”, you ask? Well, the best is that Blair Thomas was here to enjoy it with us!

Today as we walked down the street to “the best” bakery with “the best” croissants (I challenge Paris to make them better), I said that when people ask Blair what she did on her trip she will have to answer: “I took the subway, I walked the neighborhoods, I ate the food”. That’s pretty much what we did…all day every day. She said she had a great time. I know that Glen and I enjoyed sharing “our home” with her.

And with all good things that must come to an end…after a bit of a tearful goodbye (me, not her) as I watched her get into her Uber headed for JFK, Glen, Dug, and I headed back into our home-away-from-home and hit the couch. We are tired! Good thing there’s so much sports on tv today. (Yes, a bit of snark on my part.)

I’ll let the photos tell the story…

PS Happy Daughter Day!

I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with summer. Mostly love. The hate comes in to play when I think of the its predictable ending. Sheesh. That’s a glass half empty.

One time I counted up the number of summers I had spent anxiously awaiting the start of the school year after it had ended in June. You know I’ve had a long history of the school year/summer vacation pattern – Kindergarten through college (1963-1983), my own kids’ school years (1995-2010), ending with my 36 year career in schools (1983-2019). That’s 56 years of summer vacations. Every year, as school came to a close and with the anticipation of summer in front of me, it always felt that summer would last forever – I’d eternally lounge by the pool, vacation in tropical or mountainous locations, read books, bbq chicken and corn on the cob, and complete all the house projects I’d put off all school year long. There was such a sense of hope and renewal as the school year came to a close.

You can already tell how this story is going to end. Yes, as a family we vacationed, we played in the community pool, we might even have read some books and completed a few household projects, but as June became July and July became August (and they kept starting school earlier and earlier in August)…I always started to feel an emotion that I wasn’t used to and eventually came to understand was depression. At the root of that feeling was the awareness that I did not want our lazy days of summer to end. I didn’t want to end my months of being a “stay-at-home” mom. I hadn’t finished the projects. I dreaded the return of the hectic pace of school and work. I HATED having less time to just be with my kids. I NEEDED MORE TIME!!! (For my year-round working friends – I know how annoying that must sound.) I eventually figured out that if I just watched a REALLY sad movie and cried…then I could move on and allow the inevitable anticipation and excitement of the upcoming “new” year to start seeping into my bones.

As an aside, the feeling of anticipation comes from one of the odd benefits of working in schools. I think very few careers offer a “do over” EVERY year. You get to learn from your mistakes. You get a start over and be better…every year! Thus EVERY YEAR, there is a unique new excitement for the opportunity to “get it right” – if there is such a thing as getting it right. So predictably, as we approached August, the planning and preparations for the new year intensified, school shopping began, the pool became “boring”, and the excitement for the new year returned.

Since retirement (2019), I have a new relationship with summer. As Glen says – “Retirement is six Saturdays and a Sunday”. You could also say “Twelve Julys”. In August of my first year of retirement, I had a real sense of loss without the anticipation and excitement of the upcoming school year. I had those famous “teacher first day of school dreams/nightmares” . I dreamed that I was unprepared, not good enough, late, lost, wearing inappropriate clothing, etc. (Freud would have a hay day with “teacher” dreams.) I longed to be back with colleagues and see the happy and nervous smiles of students...for about a minute! Then I relaxed back into the slow pace of summer and actually enjoyed all of August!

So here we are in Brooklyn during my third retirement summer with all those “Saturdays” and “Julys”. Yesterday was the first day of fall and I found myself thinking about school knowing that my friends have been back at work for almost two months – just a little less time than I’ve been here. Summer ended and I hardly noticed. No depression. No sense of loss of freedom. And I didn’t miss the excitement of preparing for a new year like I did the first two retirement summers.

I can really feel the changing season here in Brooklyn. There’s been a definite shift in the wind and in my life.

I could just as easily titled this blog post “reflection”, but then maybe you wouldn’t read further. Cuz we all know the issues with my self reflection – self absorption. Right?!?

1976 was a big year for many reasons. It was our country’s 200th anniversary. That was just a bit complicated by the end of the Vietnam War being less than five years previous. Plus it being the decade after the 60s (in my opinion the most impactful decade certainly of my lifetime). I mostly grew up in very rural Northern California. Very rural translates directly into conservative. Huh? How did I turn out this mostly liberal (at least socially) person from that? I have come to believe it has to with my exposure to Oakland. My Dad (Bill) was born and raised there. AND he was as conservative as they come. His Mother and Father (Edna and Lacy) lived in Lower Diamond District, East Oakland. And they lived there from 1932 until 1986. And WOW did they witness dramatic change. I believe it is why Dad became his conservative self. If you want to read about an interesting city, read about Oakland and the change it has experienced in the last 100 years. Pretty amazing, and complicated.

I like to say I inherited my intelligence mostly from my Grandma (Edna) and my work ethic from my Papa (my Mom’s Dad – Niels Nielsen – you know what I think of him. I named my oldest and only son after him as I hoped some of him would get from him, to my Mom, through me and land into my Niels three generations down. I know it has!!). I also got my love of baseball (especially the A’s) and the magic of the combination of baseball and numbers we call statistics from Grandma. It just so happens Edna graduated from college (Colorado College) with a degree in mathematics. I am convinced, were she born in a different time (perhaps a century later) she would have been a woman of accomplishment in some field of applied mathematics. It is what she loved.

I spent a great deal of time with my Grandma in Oakland, particularly in the 60s. I love my Grandma dearly and am grateful for everything she contributed to me and what I have become. AND the truth is my Grandma was a raging racist. So, living in Oakland was complicated for her. And made a huge impression on me. The Giants moved to SF in the late 50s. And Willie Mays (still the single best baseball player I have ever seen in person, just a bit better than Ricky Henderson – #2 on my list, Reggie Jackson in 1969 (what a year) is #3) came to SF at 27 at the height of his powers. He became my first baseball hero. And while I was at Grandma’s at 5 or 6 (1963 or 1964), I told her he was my hero. Well, that just wasn’t right by my Grandma. She dropped a few N bombs using a tone I had never heard before. It has left an impression nearly 60 years later.

Oakland, in the 60s, was the home of the Blank Panthers. I never reacted negatively to their cause. I never felt threatened. I always saw it as a fight for social justice. I admired Bobby Seale and Huey Newton. They were a part of the Great Migration that has contributed so thoroughly to what Oakland is and will always be.

Oakland will always be the home of the Raiders. It is so thoroughly imbedded in their soul.

1976 was also the year that I graduated from high school. It was the first presidential election I was able to vote (by the way I did not vote for a winner until 1992). I was 18 and all that represents!

On December 21 1969 my Dad took Steve (oldest brother), Mike (middle brother) and I to the Raider – Houston Oiler playoff game (if you want a kick, YouTube the game). It was a rainy, some would think miserable, day AND the Raiders won 56-7. I WAS hooked. Even at my apathetic worst, I am at my core a Raider fan. Can’t help myself, I’ve tried!

Steve was living in Berkeley in 1976 attending Cal carrying on my Dad’s legacy as a Bear. I was floating after graduating from high school mostly not attending classes at Sierra College. Smoking way too much weed! So, I was visiting Steve in Berkeley and on Saturday December 18, 1976 the Raider’s had snuck by the New England Patriots (google that game you youngsters, it is the precursor to the sack catastrophe that robbed a later Raider team). On Sunday the Steelers punished the Colts. So, the Raiders were hosting the Steelers. This would be one of the last Raider – Steeler classics from the early to mid 1970s. So, I said to Steve, I wonder if we could get tickets? They were going “on-sale” on Monday. In those days, the Raiders executive offices were across the Nimitz (old HWY 17, now 880). The “doors opened at 8:00 AM. Maximum 2 tickets per person, cash only. So, Steve and I proceeded to their offices and got there at 7:00. AND the line was HUGE! This wouldn’t do for Steve. You see, he knew we would never get tickets. AND being the experienced concert goer that he was, he had a trick. You see, we got in line. Steve then said I’m going to “go up”. Come find me in 5 minutes. So, we did this 6 or 7 times and by the time the doors opened promptly at 8:00, we were in the first 100 in line. I’m not proud of this on one level, but I also know were it not for this I wouldn’t have one of my top three sporting event experiences of my life (others include game 20 of the A’s 20 game winning streak, that play by Derek Jeter versus the A’s (slide, Jeremy, slide!!, etc.)).

Steve and I had 4 tickets. So, were took brother Mike and family friend Brad Walker. AND what a game we got to see. Raiders 24 – Steelers 7. A DOMINATION!! We sat in the end zone where Pete Banaszak scored the sealing touchdown. We were no more than 20 rows up from the end zone. So, we were part of a huge mass of people that rushed the field. The game ended with a Lynn Swan reception. And as he went off the field I grabbed the ball from him. An official took the ball from me. I sure wish I had that ball. It is the one and only time I have ever rushed a field. AND I likely will never again. Seems fitting to me as it was the game before the Raiders 1st Super Bowl victory.

So, you ask, why today? Well, the Raiders played the Steelers today. AND all of the wonderful memories and more came flooding back. As I have said before, I have lived a long life full of many blessings.

AND I CAN’T WAIT FOR THE NEXT EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFETIME.

Life. There’s an ebb and flow. People come and people go. We all move through our days and years in the best way that we know how. We reflect on our choices and we plan for our futures.

This week I have been thinking about people who have not been present in my recent daily life (ummm…40 years not recent) – people who had prevalent roles in my life at different times. What happens? Why do we drift apart? That’s a rhetorical question because there are a million “could be” answers.

For 30 years, we have lived one hour away from my aunt and cousins. I think that we have gotten together three or four times (weddings don’t count because they’re too busy for visiting) – my grandmother’s 90th birthday, my aunt’s 90th birthday, a dinner at our “new” house in the early ’90s and dinner at my cousin’s house this last July. We’ve all been busy for 30 years – kids, school, sports, work, travels, house projects….etc. Life. Ebb and flow.

A couple months ago I reconnected with my cousin, Randy over a situation we were working on for our respective moms. He mentioned that he and his brothers try to have a family dinner every couple months. I mentioned I’d love to join them and lo and behold (a phrase that makes me fondly think of my aunt as I remember hearing it for the first time from her when I was 10 years old), a couple weeks later he invited us to dinner! What a time we had! We shared stories and memories, we asked questions, we laughed and I don’t think anyone cried! My aunt talked about going out with sailors when she was a teenager and seeing Benny Goodman and the likes. It was wonderful to hear her reminisce. It was a wonderful evening.

As Glen and I shared our upcoming plans for Brooklyn, we discovered that both of Randy’s daughters live in Manhattan and he and Alison would be traveling there this fall. We look forward to seeing them in October. (We met their “girls”in August because we brought some household items to them that we had trekked across the country and needed to deliver them.) We also learned that Fremont and Stephanie would be in NYC in September. So guess what? We spent most of the day with Free and Stephanie yesterday.

Here’s the thing, in 1978, my cousins Fremont and Dan and his then girlfriend, now wife, Mary-Lynne spent 5 months in a tiny little car traveling throughout western Europe for FIVE months. You can imagine how close we became under those circumstances. We came home promising to stick together and then…Life. The the ebb and the flow.

I guess all of this to say…I loved hanging out with Fremont yesterday. Being with him brought back such a flood of memories! (Glen had to listen to them all day long.) It was great to get to know Stephanie and hear about their “kids”. And now I can’t wait to see Randy and Alison in a few weeks.

So ebb and flow. Sure. But reconnecting WHENEVER AND WHEREVER you can do it…so worth it! And how lucky am I to be here in Brooklyn making connections with my California cousins?!

PS The other person on my mind was my college roommate. A mutual friend asked me about her and so now…guess who I’m going to be looking up?

Who knew? Mosquitos are such a thing here. City mosquitos? Outdoor bars have mosquito repellant available. I find myself not spending as much time on the stoop in the early evening because they love me. But I will win. No little bzzzz is going to keep me from doing what I love.

I’m learning to see life in a much less binary way. Much less beginnings and endings. Much more “In The Middle.” Yes, life has many starts and stops. And we spend most of our lives in the middle.

Wednesday will be our middlest point. I intend to celebrate it in the middle of the intersection of a life full of adventure, work (I refer to it as play these days) and frankly just living a life as full as possible!

So without actually counting, I think that we are about half way through our adventure. People have asked…Too long? Too short? (I wrote an earlier post about the “Goldilocks” syndrome.) And for now…I’ll have to say that I won’t know till it’s over because so far so good!

I have a google doc that I started months ago noting all the things we wanted to do, the places we wanted to eat, and places we wanted to go on our adventure. I had started following Brooklyn IG pages, subscribed to the NYT, and tuned in to all things NYC so whenever I read something or was given a suggestion for something, I added it to the growing list. Since we’ve been here, I’ve been checking things off as we experience them, but honestly, it’s like one of those big “lettucy” salads that no matter how much you eat, it just doesn’t seem like your making a dent in it. It’s the same for our list; we keep adding to it as we learn about new opportunities for adventure and it seems to grow and grow and doesn’t shrink. No matter how busy we are and how hard we try to get things checked off the list, we can’t get ahead of it! NY is one BIG never-ending adventure.

We do try to keep up with our friends and family from home and from afar. The cell phone is a wonderful tool for staying in touch. AND we also just had the pleasure of a few days with our Texas friends. I promised some photos from our days together. Most of our time was spent riding the subway, walking the neighborhoods, and eating and drinking. Sounds like the perfect way to spend time in NY!

Here’s to adventure and to good times with friends and family! And I’m so excited! Blair is coming on Friday!!!!

We had friends from Texas here for a few days. What a blast. Watch for a post about our adventures soon…

I want to take a moment to pay my respects. Yes, it’s all over the news…20 years ago tomorrow our world changed. Glen and I woke up today and decided to make a trip over to Manhattan to take a few moments to reflect on the day, on the lives lost, and on our current world circumstances. We’ve been several times before, but today, it was special.

Tomorrow the Memorial will be packed with survivors, dignitaries, locals, tourists, the media, politicians, etc. Today, there were firefighters, union workers, tourists, a few media, many police officers, New Yorkers…and it was quiet around the fountain. It is a place of awe. A place of sadness. A place of hope. A place of beauty. It’s hard to describe.

Here’s what I’m thinking and feeling…We live in one world. We all experience sadness, hope, awe, and beauty. And joy. Those who perished twenty years ago and all who have perished since also experienced those emotions in their lives. I’m going to honor them by paying attention to all the emotions of the anniversary. And hope for the awe of joy and beauty in our lives, in our futures.

Hugs to all. And hug your loved ones. Let them know that you love them.

Sometimes, my apparent penchant for repetitive mistakes confounds me.

I’ve developed certain strategies in my 39 years in the workforce. One that almost always works is a fundamental belief that I am never the smartest person in a meeting. First, it is almost always true. AND it allows, no even forces me, to bring those things that I am good, or even very good at, to the table. I have a very good memory. Particularly around challenging experiences in my life (I’ve been “blessed” with many). And I’ve used that to broaden my perspective. Some call this empathy, I choose compassion.

Those that are reading this that have worked with me are probably scratching their heads saying Glen – compassionate?? Give me a few seconds. I believe that tough love is a fundamental component of compassion. And I believe challenges are life’s gifts. And the most compassionate thing anyone can do is walk side by side with a person through their challenges. Challenges are not to be avoided, but are to be embraced, addressed and used as the best learning opportunities.

My conscious and sub-conscious brain battle regularly. My conscious brain wants to keep me safe and free of all those nasty unknowns. My sub-conscious brain hungers for those new, multi-faceted complexities. It is why I do my best problem solving while asleep.

Dear friends, Joan and Brian Mikiten spent this past Sunday through Wednesday with us here in NYC/BK. We filled those days with many adventures. We have a blast together. AND I needed a down day yesterday. So, I took it and recharged my batteries. Going to bed last night, I didn’t feel great.

I woke up this morning and felt as good as I have felt in our 41 days here. So, after a brief chat, JDT and I decided to jump over to Manhattan, knock another one of Eater’s 22 best bagel shops (located on the Lower East Side) off the list (3 of 22 down) and walk over to the 911 Memorial. You see, JDT insisted we go within a narrow window of the anniversary remembrance. AND am I glad she did!! She was going with or without me.

The photo attached to this post is a view I noticed that was very symbolic for me. I love the elements in the photo. Two cranes rising from the reflection pond. One beyond the other, reaching into the sky. The human condition is to regroup, recover, rebuild.

This time in NYC/BK represents that to me on a very personal level. My confidence to build my life, our life together, on to the next thing! I’m so excited for whatever that becomes.