I Miss My Name

Maybe my strong opinions about “names” started when I was young and realized that I’d been named after my two favorite aunts – Auntie Joyce and Auntie Barbie (her middle name is Elaine). I never got a straight answer from my parents about why they chose those names.

My dad was named after his birth father-he was a “junior” to Onslow Thompson, but he changed his name at eight when he was adopted by his step-dad, Hugh Densmore. He chose to legally be Edmund Richardson Densmore (also ER Densmore – he has so many names it’s hard to keep track), but he went by Tom or Tommy. In fact, as an adult, many of his best and longest friends still called him Tommy.

My mom was baptized in the Catholic church (her dad was Catholic). She had a l – o – n – g name…Mary Elizabeth Veronica Vars…but she always went by Betty. Go figure. Now her nameplate on her door says “Mary” and all the nurses call her Mary. When I call and ask for Betty, I always have to correct myself in order to find her.

Neither of my sisters are named after family members – well Karen Alice I guess is named after Grandma Alice, but Christine Joy? Nope. In fact they thought Chris was going to be a boy and she would therefore be a Christopher. So had they just run out of names for girls when I rolled around or did they simply want to honor their sisters or…???

I watched my parents over the years as they dealt with multiple names – legal versus common. It was often a bit of a conundrum to remember which name to use for which purpose. I mean…when I was signing my own absence notes in high school using my dad’s signature…which name should I use for the forgery? Tom Densmore? ER Densmore? Turns out it didn’t matter…I got caught. Though even Dad admitted the forgery was pretty good!

So that brings me to my first “adult” self-naming experience. When I started student teaching in 1982, what “honorific” should the kids use for me? Miss Densmore? Ms. Densmore? (I had to look up what those are called and ChatGPT says they are “honorifics”.) I chose Ms. because I figured it was nobody’s business if I were married or not – so Ms. Densmore it was and my first adult personal naming decision was made.

Then came Glen. When I met Glen it was awhile before I found out that his mom’s name was Joyce. Now…it’s not her “given” name as her name is actually Dorothy Joyce, but she always went by Joyce. I remember being at The Bear in Chico when Glen’s college friend, Russell gave him a bad time about a girlfriend with his mom’s name. For years, Joyce and I teased each other about how the family should refer to us…Joyce 1 and 2? Big Joyce and LIttle Joyce? Mature Joyce and Immature Joyce? I teased her that we were going to start calling her Dorothy. No nicknames quite clicked so none ever stuck. In the end, I’m happy that I share her name because she was an incredible mother-in-law – more like a mom, really.

And then marriage. I won’t go into a rant about the history of women changing their name to their husband’s last name. (Not all cultures do it that way.) I had a strong feeling about keeping Densmore in my name because I was the last “Densmore” in our family tree (though it was my dad’s adopted name, not his biological father’s name – I guess I should have switched to Thompson if that were my issue). Glen just said…I don’t care what you do with your name; I’m not changing mine.

So I decided on Ms. Joyce Elaine Densmore-Thomas.

Now over the years that decision has provided myriad complications. I mean…in 1989 there was no issue with a hyphen because everything was handwritten, but when we started doing everything digitally…phew – sometimes my name was too long so it got shortened by a machine, sometimes it wouldn’t take a hyphen, sometimes it chose to use Densmore without Thomas, sometimes Thomas without Densmore, saying and spelling Densmore-Thomas on the phone was too long so I often just used Thomas and then didn’t remember that I did that…

Who knew that a long email address of densmorethomasj@work email…was going to be such a pain in the *%# to write/type into so many websites…the challenges go on and on.

But was I sorry that I chose Densmore-Thomas? Never. It’s my name. It’s my identity. It’s how I’m known. I chose it. I live with the consequences – good and bad.

So here we are today where I am now officially 65 years old. And guess what that apparently means? It means that Medicare gets to choose my name. After applying, I started receiving mail addressed to Joyce Thomas. I was like…why am I getting Glen’s mom’s mail (who passed away almost 2 years ago)? Who is this “Joyce Thomas”? Turns out, it’s me according to Medicare and now according to everything related to Medicare – insurance, prescriptions, etc.

How is it that my driver’s license, my passport, my marriage license, my Social Security card, my credential, my EVERYTHING is Joyce DENSMORE-Thomas and MEDICARE gets to drop an essential part of ME??????

NO!!!!!!! I get to choose my name!!! Not the government. So do I go to battle with Medicare? Do I risk a big bureaucratic f-up to make them change it? AAAAARRRGGGHHHH.

PS I just got off the phone for the SECOND time today with a doctor’s office who can’t find me in the system because “Joyce E Thomas” doesn’t exist in the system that I’ve been in for 30 years. They have a Joyce Densmore-Thomas, but no Joyce E Thomas. And now I can’t even pick up a message from my doctor in my personal electronic health file because there is no Joyce Densmore-Thomas or Joyce E Thomas with access.

I repeat…AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!

PPS I’ve had a thing about names forever. When I was teaching in Chico, my mentor/friend had a student named Anthony whom she called Tony. I told her that wasn’t his name. He didn’t go by Tony. She said…I like “Tony” so he’s Tony here. Wrong. Over the years, I made a concerted effort to correctly pronounce the names of my students. It wasn’t always easy as my mouth didn’t always want to make the sounds that were in some names, but I tried because it was important to me and to them that I honor their personal, family, linguistic and cultural identity.

And lastly, Ruby Freeman who just won a big case against Rudy Guiliani (and filed another against him because he continues to lie about her), said that the worst part of this whole experience that she’s been put through for 3 years is that she had to go into hiding and use a different name. She said simply, “I miss my name”.

Me, too.