Trust Me – Mathematically Speaking

I listen to lots of podcasts about a lot of different topics…and not surprisingly – recently, many have been about loss, grief, end of life and afterlife stories. And not to be Debbie Downer (with apologies to all the Debbies out there), I’m also drawn to stories about people finding joy in different, sometimes odd (to me) ways.

Something I listened to recently made me think about how I’ve changed with all of the losses I’ve experienced in the last 15 months. (I was going to use the word endured instead of experienced, but I don’t like to put a negative spin on my life.) I mean…it hasn’t been a great year+, but with every loss, there is some small dust mote of joy or hope or learning to be found. Sometimes it takes a bit of peering around corners or at least an opening of the eyes and heart…but it’s there.

So not that you’re asking…what have I found? How have I changed? What am I learning about myself?

If you knew Glen and me…you knew us to be two VERY different people. He was outwardly very confident and sure of himself (but like most of us, don’t scratch beneath the surface too much) and he spoke with an air of expertise on every topic, as if everything he said was obviously true and factual information. There was no need to debate with him because obvi…he was right! When Glen spoke…he expected you to believe that he knew what he was talking about…and he usually did. He had an inquisitive mind and read voraciously, especially in his last years. He read a wide variety of topics and his memory amazed me as the facts and figures and stories he read stuck with him in detail. Me? I can’t remember the name of the book I’m currently reading, let alone the plot of the book I finished yesterday.

By trade, Glen was an accountant which is another way of saying…he was very logical, sequential and strategic. There was no problem that he didn’t want to puzzle over, noodle on and solve. It’s what made him so successful in his career. But for us, that translated into him taking on the role of chief decision-maker – a role he enjoyed. His thinking process was invisible to me because as he’d think through the problem, weighing all the options and then when he’d come to his conclusion, he’d present me with the solution. Sometimes he did all of his problem-solving before I even knew there was a problem! My role at that point was to say…”Great! Thanks for doing all the heavy lifting and presenting me with the only possible, logical answer to the problem!” Except…sometimes that wasn’t my answer and you can imagine that after all of his time in thinking it through, he wasn’t thrilled that I questioned his decision. Some of our biggest battles came when I asked questions, shared a different opinion or asked for more information. He couldn’t understand why I would ever doubt that he’d come up with the absolute BEST solution.

I think we behaved in these ways because of how we each experienced the world. While Glen was very logical, I was/am all emotions. I have to work really hard to consider data before making decisions. I am also a slow processor. For me, it takes time for things to percolate (usually subconsciously) and then I start thinking things through and developing my questions or ideas. And then…sometimes days later, my thinking begins to dribble out verbally…I might drop a question or a thought over dinner, or in the car or standing at the bathroom sink in the morning…I’d bring up a topic of something that Glen thought was a previously “solved” problem yet and I’d add another…thought, question or idea. Not an ideal process for Glen. 

And left on my own to problem-solve? First, I’m conflict averse so all problems are to be avoided at all times. But when I have a problem I can’t avoid, my methodology is to talk about it out loud, to chatter on about it, brainstorm, hem and haw and noodle on it in a group think environment and then I still probably just react on a gut feeling. Yah…that also didn’t work so well for Glen.

So how did our differences play out over the years? There were battles. Plenty of them. And over time, Glen learned that I would need time to process so he tried not to drop things in my lap for my immediate agreement. He tried to let me in on the “sausage-making” of his problem-solving process. And if I’m honest (which I try always to be)…I really did learn to appreciate that he usually did come to the best solution…especially if it had anything to do with finances. So over time, I learned to defer, to accept, to not even participate in some of the biggest decisions “we” made. To his credit, he always brought me the information and I sort of listened because in the end, I figured he had it right. 

Unfortunately, I did not pay enough attention to his process; our problem-solving relationship did not teach me how to research an issue, consider options, data, and viewpoints and then make a logical decision. Not an ideal training experience for a person who now finds herself on her own in her “golden years”. 

So back to the original question of this post…How have I changed? What have I learned?

I’ve just started to realize that “I can do hard things” – things that make me uncomfortable. Things that I’ve avoided for decades. Things that don’t interest me. Things that scare me. I can ponder the hard questions and come to conclusions.

Even when a wrong decision might  have serious consequences…

Currently, I am in the middle of a major decision (stay tuned) with many steps and tasks to be completed – these decisions are things Glen would have just handled on his own in the background and magically…everything would have been accomplished (the right way). And…I would have been glad for it to be done without my participation.

Now I am learning that I too, can make these decisions. I can trust myself. I can trust my intuition (aka emotion). I have plenty of smart people around who support me, provide opinions, information, expertise and answers to the questions I don’t even know to ask. I am not alone.

I’m learning to trust myself. I’m learning that I can make difficult, BIG decisions.

I’m learning that I can lean on others for their analytical thinking skills…I can listen to their logical thinking, add it to my emotional thinking and then make a decision using both sides of my brain.

I’m learning that an emotional decision isn’t necessarily a bad decision. In fact, emotion is an important factor in making a good decision.

Because…Logic + Emotion > than logic OR emotion See!!! I can do math!