Restless*

Straight up gonna say it…I’ve been struggling. Can’t quite put my finger on it. I’ve been trying to figure out how to address it in my head and heart and I kept thinking that if I wrote about the struggle, maybe it would help me through it. But I couldn’t figure out what to say…I had no clarity. Still don’t.

I don’t like limbo.

Not knowing what’s ahead, where I’m going, what I’m doing does NOT sit well with me. And for sure…I feel like we are a bit in limbo right now. We’re moving…towards figuring it out, but I’m not sure where we’re going…and I mean that literally and figuratively.

Neither here nor there.

I feel like I’m here in Walnut Creek and I also have this itch to be somewhere else. I’m loving the beauty of fall here, but in my head, I’m constantly flitting between so many places – let’s go to Rome for that month that we missed. Nope. I mean, let’s go to NYC. I miss it. No. I think I need a beach. Wait. Is there snow anywhere?

Purpose

I find that I need to be busy. Not just busy, but busy with something that matters. Being home intermittently these last couple years has created a challenge for me to find my purpose – or purposes. My restlessness has had me cleaning a cupboard here or there, planting bulbs, going for walks, writing postcards to voters, hanging with friends…but it hasn’t felt like enough. And then I find myself just diddling my time away sometimes and that does not make me feel good. I am challenged to allow myself to just sit. To be. To………I don’t know…

*Another one written months ago. I just read it for the first time since I wrote it. As I read it now, I wonder…why didn’t I post it? Too personal? Too self-focused? Who’d read it and think “blah, blah, blah”? Is this blog taking a weird twist?

Stay tuned…I did find that beach…