Emotion V. Emotional

First, this post is not going to be for everyone. AND I’m asking you to come along with me, for the ride. It may be way too close to man-splaining – AND I WILL TAKE THAT RISK.

AND Second, JDT will see the title of this post and it may trigger her. Hah, it will trigger her. We stated very early in our posts we are learning to be Joyce-Glen again, or perhaps for the first time. A lot of good news, we are fighting or bickering or just being a pain in the ass to each other much less. AND when it does happen (as did briefly this AM) it is much more vitriolic. I sense this to be normal?

AND Third, why am I doing this? No, it is not to change your mind. There is way too much of this in our culture. I want to share my perspective, AND GAIN YOURS. PLEASE! You know I grew up in a high octane family where emotion in argument became PUNISHED. This has helped me (no not in the way you imagine) and it causes me issues in my communications with those I love. I think they see me as without emotion. A REALLY HORRIBLE THING. I was watching the TNT on NBA the other night. Chuck said something I will now use. He attributed it to Nick Saban. Mind you, Chuck is Auburn, Nick is Mama. So, no built in love. He said, and I will paraphrase his paraphrase – You must play with emotion, not emotional. Stupid football, how could sports teach me another lesson? DAMN!!

Shortly (60ish days or so) after I wrapped up treatment for my cancer, I was struggling with getting “better” and it was a dark, very dark period for me emotionally. I rationally knew (Dr. Yom told me) I would get worse for maybe 30ish days as the accumulation of chemo and radiation did its work (remember, the point of them is to kill the cancer, yet leave the surrounding tissue (me) alive). Then I would begin to get better. AND it was at this darkest time for me, during the nights while I tried to sleep, that I had thoughts. Initially I thought about death. Then I began to think about causing my death. I played out how I would tell Joyce and Niels and Blair. I thought about the “best ways”. Then I finally fantasized about carrying out my suicide. Let’s just say it was a really hard time for me. AND I CAN ONLY IMAGINE HOW HARD IT WAS FOR JOYCE AND NIELS AND BLAIR. Finally, after one mostly sleepless night, I opened up to Joyce. And, as always, Joyce was incredibly thoughtful, held me close and we called Katherine Czezack together. Dr. Czezack had been my therapist, yes psychiatrist, when I needed guidance dealing with anger. She is wonderful. AND she was again. She gave me ways, specific body and mind techniques, to embrace, accept, re-shape and yes, even LOVE the emotions. Embrace the emotions, don’t live emotionally. I have made progress with this, and with all things, it is a PROCESS.

Joyce was just about to take Dug for a walk this morning. AND she looked at her phone and made a brief agonizing quip. Seems something came over her phone about the current SHIT with Roe V. Wade. Nothing in her life triggers her emotional state like this. I’ve come to realize this is her version of our society committing suicide. Not a single person, little me, but our whole society. SO MUCH BIGGER. And I am the pedestrian to Joyce’s traveler. As always, I brought my play with emotion, not emotional self. Satisfying, even hopeful for me, yet complete BULLSHIT for Joyce.

Joyce, I am sorry. I AM WORKING AT BEING BETTER.