(Red) Solo (Cup)

“Solo”

It’s a word with a new meaning for me. It used to indicate that there was a “kegger” going on. It brings memories of all those red solo cups in the hands of college students standing around in the cold, dark, damp night. Or if it was summer time, kegs floating down the Sacramento River alongside our inner tubes with our hands holding our brimming red solo cups out of the water. Those “solo” cup memories all seem like such a distant memory of innocent, simple times.

At this point of my life, solo is a word that strikes fear, or at least discomfort in my heart and soul. I recently figured out that the new word reflecting me as solo identified me with a new noun – widow…Who me? Couldn’t be. (Then who stole the cookie from the cookie jar…sorry…I digress…again 36 years as an elementary school teacher…) So – what does being a widow, being solo, mean as I move forward? And for that matter…where is forward?

For the last few years, it became clear that I was going to be solo in my “silver” years. Recently, as I was pondering this new status, I realized that I haven’t been alone, truly alone, standing on my own two feet for more than 40 years. That’s a long time of attachment to another person, of being a couple, of having a partner, of traveling through life as a pair.

So now what?

How can I look at being solo in a world where “pairs” are the norm. How can I make this new status a good thing?

I’ll start with thinking about traveling solo. Truth be known, while we traveled over the last few years, there were many days (okay, weeks and months) where I felt like I was a solo traveler. Glen was not able to get out and about the way he wanted to so I often found myself exploring on my own. In hindsight, it felt like he was preparing me, having me rehearse for what it was going to be like to be solo in the world. He was helping me to gain the skills that I would need to travel alone.

At first I found this new independence to be disconcerting, uncomfortable, even lonely. But over time, I came to enjoy the independence; it was actually freeing. When you’re exploring on your own, you don’t have to consider anyone else’s needs or desires. When something catches your eye around the corner, you can immediately change direction to go investigate and explore it. Why not? You can feel hunger or thirst or a need for a rest and stop at the first cafe or a park bench and just watch the world go by. What I noticed about this kind of solo travel was that I actually saw more of what was going on around me than when I was exploring with another person. I was more observant and willing to engage with people and places. Being responsible for the pace, direction and interactions of my wanderings was a new kind of freedom.

I also noticed that without someone else to talk with, I do something that I think many of us do when we find ourselves sitting alone in a crowded, busy environment. I watch. I observe people at cafes or an airport and notice their interactions with the people around them. To pass the time, I start imagining their lives. What does their clothing tell me about their personality? What are their joys? Their sadnesses? Are they missing someone? Where are their journeys taking them? I make up the story of their lives in my head. I often think that there could be a good novel in that practice!

And it turns out…traveling solo doesn’t necessarily mean that I am alone, lonely or without community. I was recently at the theater…alone. Yes, I pulled up my big girl panties and went to the theater by myself. In the time before the play started, I didn’t pick up my phone (a true miracle) or read the program. I just sat and observed the audience. What surprised me was that I noticed so many acts of kindness among the crowd. There was a woman struggling to get up the stairs and a gentleman below her stepped out of his seat to assist her. As she got to her seat, the gentleman above her helped her lower herself into her seat. After she was settled, they returned to their seats…maybe not even realizing what a kindness they had done because they weren’t watching the woman’s expression of relief and gratitude. Similarly, as the audience made me look like a spring chicken, I noticed that as we all s l o w l y exited the theater, many patrons patiently waited or assisted people who were struggling with bad knees, hips or vision. Even in those brief interactions, it really felt like a community of strangers supporting each other. Because I wasn’t mindlessly scrolling on my phone or chatting with a seat mate, I was observing the people around me (and making up a few stories)!

A week ago, I had the pleasure of being at the Lesher Center for the Mariachi de Herencia de Mexico. It was an absolutely incredible performance of 14 musicians with the voices of the gods. The theater was literally filled with music and joy for two hours. As I scanned the audience, I kept noticing the rapt expression on one patron’s face. She was sitting at the edge of her seat singing, clapping and dancing the entire night. As she came out of her row, we made eye contact and I told her how much I had enjoyed seeing her unbridled joy throughout the performance. Before I knew it, she threw her arms up in the air in a wide V, stepped forward and wrapped me in a huge hug!!! While I was initially surprised by her exuberance, I realized what an absolutely natural and human reaction it was for her to share her joy with me, a stranger, in such a personal, human way.

Both of these recent solo experiences are warm reminders of how little it takes to stay connected in our world…By simply observing our world, we realize that we truly are NOT alone, we are NOT solo. We are bound together through our stories, through our humanity, through our sadness, our joy and through simple acts of kindness.

So while the thought of being solo has been scary, I’m beginning to see it as an opportunity. Being “alone” allows me to spend more time truly being in the world, among the people. It pushes me to be a participant in our world, opening my whole heart to those around me.

As I’m currently in Chico, remembering all those red solo cups in my past, I’m giving a big red solo cup “cheers” to all of the solo travelers in our world.

May we all open our eyes and our hearts and spread our wings together.