Do I Miss My Mom?

Let me start by saying that I know…that as I’m posting this now (it’s something I wrote awhile ago).…it’s not really about my mom and me. It’s about life. The unexpectedness of life…The roll of life. The questions of life. So…

Do I miss my mom?

Somehow I got to a place with my mom where I could gently, patiently, kindly care for her. I could put away the past hurts, misunderstandings, distances and just be her daughter. I got to the place where I could think about her caring for me and think – it’s my turn to care for her. And I was grateful for her care and for my opportunity to care for her.

Life is a journey and it evolves. It revolves. It twists. It turns. There is no roadmap. We spend so much time planning our path, setting goals, looking toward the next…thing.

I’m learning. Slow down. Stop. Take time at the current rest stop. Take a rest. Just be with it. Whatever it is. 

I don’t miss my mom. Not in the way that I hear other women miss their mom. They miss calling her and seeking advice, sharing stories, or celebrating first steps, new jobs, graduations, retirement…sharing those moments, those simple and big moments of life.  I can’t remember when my relationship with Mom unwound from mother-daughter to …I don’t really know. I’m not sure i even miss the idea of that relationship because I wonder if I ever really had it? I know in my late teens and early twenties, I often felt that our roles were reversed.

And yet, no matter what, she was my mom. She loved me. She was proud of me. She cared about me and my family. And when it came time to take care of her…I found an openness in my being or heart or I don’t know what. I had a new ability to be what she needed. To be whom she needed. And it was gratifying. There was a sense of closure. And warmth. And love. And a bit of sorrow for what could have been…and the role I played t in what it was…

The other day i was thinking about the twists and turns in my life. I was thinking about my vision – what I expected in my life and how different it is from what i had dreamt about, planned for and looked forward to…and I realized that in order to keep my forward motion, I was going to need to modify my expectations or maybe just let my expectations go. And then I even wondered…who am I to think that I could just wish it all to happen as I dreamt. That was rather presumptuous of me.

So now…I’m learning/trying to to just be. Just be. Be like Gumby. Meet the challenges. Breathe. Take it as it comes and accept it. Whatever it is…

Because…taking my own advice…

It will be what it will be and it will be what I make it…