One Year

One year without Sunday dinners.

One year without my wise counselor.

One year without his belly laugh.

One year without…Niels.

I’ve been feeling the need to write, but I didn’t know what to write. I didn’t have my “why”. I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to say. Or how to say it.

I mean…what do you say after a year without Niels? What possible words could I put on paper that would comfort me…that would soften the pain and sorrow? All of the poems and sayings and stories I’ve saved…I reread them and think..oh that’s good. That’s exactly how I feel. I have to remember that one…and I don’t. In the moment, the words of others may help me, maybe give me pause, but in the end…they are just words and they don’t really have any power.

There is something I have learned in this year…Niels is not coming back. No amount of wishful thinking or prayer (I admit, that’s not my go-to) or begging will bring him back. Believe me…I have begged – not sure who I thought might be listening, but in the moment of begging, it made sense.

And here’s what I have come to understand…there are no words that would have helped me understand that death is final. So final. It’s an UNBELIEVEABLE fact. And by “unbelieveable”, I mean that until you experience the shock of it and then the permanence of it, you don’t believe it. Yes, I’ve had dreams about Niels, I’ve seen and felt signs of him in my world, I’ve talked to him (and yelled at him) and cried for him. But in the literal, concrete world that we live in…Niels is not ever going to walk through my front door, plop his bag on the dining room table (even though I told him a thousand times not to do that because it would scratch the table), saunter into the kitchen and ask me what’s for dinner while also asking me how he could help.

So as I’ve been searching for something to write to express my thoughts and feelings, I scrolled back through drafts on my blog -things or ideas that I’d been thinking, but not able to write. I came across this stream of thoughts that I wrote about 10 months ago. I think they were my initial thoughts about what I might say at Niels’s celebration of life. (Reader beware: I may have shared part of this draft in a previous post. My apologies if your memory is better than mine.)

And then yesterday, my friend Carol, a mother who truly understands, told me that she always appreciates it when people ask her about her son. So she simply asked me to tell her about Niels.

And suddenly that draft post made sense. I need to tell you about Niels. That’s it. It’s that simple. So below you will find a stream of consciousness or notes from a mom who is missing her “ boy” or as Niels and I loved The Jungle Book, her “man cub”.

Here is a mom’s initial story of her perfectly imperfect son. With love to Niels…forever and ever…

There would be no grief without love.

“Grief is just love looking for a place to settle.”

…whenever I talk about Niels “my voice cracks… doesn’t matter how much time goes by…it’s how we honor the love”..

We’re here to remember Niels – a force of nature – a kind and caring, brother, son, cousin, colleague…friend. I think those of us here would agree that at his core…Niels was a friend to us all

I started off thinking – I don’t know what to say – Now I have too much to say and none of it is enough…

I recently opened his Kindle and I was reminded why I always called him my “Renaissance Boy/Man”. Here is what I found…

The Count of Monte Cristo, 

Les Miz, 

so much sci-fi – Dune, Brandon Sanderson books, 

biographies –  Mel Brooks, Johnny Carson, Harry Truman, 

Carl Sagan’s Cosmos, 

War and Peace, 

Historical fiction – Stephen King’s 11/22/63, Leon Uris, Irving Stone…

Then there are so many other interests and talents…

Band – playing the sax (tenor and bari) and clarinet for years

Crocheting

Baseball

To this day I can’t walk by WCI middle school in the spring when the Little League baseball players are on the field…I wistfully remember those days…and I STILL tear up as I force myself to move on…

Movies – he could quote more movie lines than the actors themselves.

Glen tells the story of Niels when he was under 2 – lying on his chest and watching the ENTIRE McBeth movie. At 3 he watched the entire Dances with Wolves movie!

Star Wars – duh!

D&D became such an important part of his life. It was a great counter to his accounting world. He loved the process of creating his characters and their world. He loved the details of it all. One time when we were driving somewhere, he shared the “characters” he had created. We found pages and pages of notes of his D&D world in his notebooks.

F1 racing – he was a Carlos Saenz guy 

Music – Glen curated a playlist of Niels’ favorites – if you want to find it on Spotify it’s listed as “Niels’ Playlist” (I might have to share it with you?)

Stories…Niels was a storyteller…He might have gotten that gene from my dad. I heard so many stories from colleagues about getting sidetracked at work, or parking tickets because they were talking with Niels…or listening to Niels?! (Not a one of them begrudged the “lost” time or ticket.)

Many of you know that Niels took a “crooked path” during his early adulthood – 

There were a few curves and bumps in the road that detoured his route.

We had friends who became his “safe” place and provided him support that gave him a safe landing during times of challenge and transition – he was able to take risks and experience rewards that led him to Chico where he had his EVOLUTION.

And that’s another thing about Niels…he was loved by everyone…young and old. He was as comfortable chatting with a 3 year old as he was with a 60 year old.

I’m not going to recount Niels’ first tooth, first steps, pre-school grades (although you won’t be surprised that he always got the “social” box checked with the highest score), or those “hellish” moments where the switchbacks of the “road”to adulthood kept me up at night.

I do have a couple memories to share.

Harry Potter taught Niels to read when he was in 4th grade. One night, at 11:00 pm we went to The Storyteller in Lafayette for a “Release Party”.  At midnight he grabbed his copy of the next book, jumped in the car and began reading. I’m not sure he slept that night. 

I also loved when he started reading Calvin and Hobbes. I remember being in bed reading my book and I’d hear his belly laugh as he read his book. There is no sweeter sound than the sound of your child’s laughter floating down the hallway at bedtime.

A couple years ago…rather than giving gifts at Christmas we decided to give “activities”

For Niels – it was a trip to Disneyland, but JUST STAR WARS. He was VERY clear with the agenda:

One ride

Build a Laser experience

Star Wars paraphernalia shopping (I have Han Solo’s lucky dice that he bought there. In fact, I have them tattooed on my arm.)

And that’s it – not even a Dole Whip

And then there’s the story of a big brother and little sister, Blair…

She adored him…even when she was the pain in the ass little sister. 

In the last ten years – to a mother’s and father’s delight, they became very close – some of you at Moss Adams have mentioned how Niels loved to share stories about Blair which makes my heart melt

Those past childhood hurts became funny anecdotes.

They found ways of connecting in ways Glen and I didn’t participate and I loved to see it…comedy podcasts was their theme.

Recently, we’ve received the greatest gifts – stories shared by Niels’s friends and “families” – we’ve learned about the impact he had on you all. Weren’t we all lucky to have him in our life?

Learning about the positive impact he had on so many people, in so many ways for so many years has been bittersweet.

I am going to need to talk with a few of you from Moss Adams…because Niels  once told me that he always started a “mom” story with…“I love my mom, I love my mom, I love my mom…but…”

Here are a few things people have told us about Niels in the past couple months…You’ll never know how much these words mean to us:

• He’ll never know what his weekly calls meant to me.
• He was the most “others” focused employee I’ve ever known

• His laugh…you could hear it and feel it around the office. You could also hear his squeaky shoe!
• He was patient…so patient. We’d be in the library late at night and he’d be helping me understand some accounting concept. When I finally got it, he was so happy for me and he never made me feel bad. Well, maybe he gave a little bit of a gloat at the end. 
• His passion and ambition made me want to do better and reach higher.
• He was the Moss Adams “mascot” – in the best way
• He knew the “why” and made sure we all understood it 
• He walked me home because it was too late for me to be out there alone.
• He was the “intern who was over confident”, but proved that he was “that” good…(He argued about the “BEST” basketball players with partners when he was at his first intern training session.)
• A few months after Niels passed (I really don’t like that term…), his favorite coffee shop, Panama Bay, sent us personal notes from all of the employees explaining why Niels was their favorite customer. They have his picture on their wall…giving them a gentle reminder of their “why”.

Those are just a few of the treasures we’ve received.

I think as the above comments note, one of Niels’s best qualities was his ability to “Read the room” – take the temperature

He could tune in and make strategic moves to get things on track – he did it professionally and with us (so many examples of him mediating a family “discussion” – especially on travels)

He was always taking care of others. He was an advisor and counselor. He was such a good, active listener. He had reasoned advice and that “just right” follow up question. 

It became commonplace for me as I struggled with some issue or was trying to figure out how to say something to someone…I’d find myself thinking…How would Niels handle it? What would Niels say? 

What would Niels DO – WWND?

Here’s how that saying came to be – Right before Niels graduated from Chico, Glen and I were invited to an accounting fraternity (Alpha Beta Si) celebration in Chico. Niels was president and they praised him by way of roasting him. Faculty and peers gave examples of situations they’d all experienced during his presidency.

They had his “face on a stick” and as they shared stories, they said in unison, “What would Niels do?” and raised “Niels” like a cheer.

So I invite you to be like Niels and when you come upon a problematic scenario and you’re casting about for a solution – think…

What would Niels do? 

Here’s what I’m thinking right now…

I’m suffering a great loss and I don’t know how to move forward so once again, I lean on Niels and think…

WHAT WOULD NIELS DO? What would Niels do? WWND

Well…

He’d start by sharing a few kind,empathetic and caring words,

He’d tell me that I should lean on my friends and family, share stories and work through the grief together.

He’d have a movie quote 

or a story 

or a joke 

and he’d have a BIG, LOUD, LAUGH…to break the sadness.

And in the end…I’d be laughing with him, hugging him and crying and…loving Niels even more.

In closing, 

I’ve been haunted these last couple months wondering where I’m going to see Niels, feel Niels, be with Niels…

and in thinking about what I was going to say today…

I realized that there will be myriad ways he will be with me…with us always…

Every time I hear that crack of a bat, 

that first saxophone note, 

a movie quote,

A good story

a problem solved, 

ANYTHING STAR WARS!!!

And when those sweet sounds take me to Niels, 

I’ll remember that last big bear hug and “I love you” 

I gave him when he left after our Sunday night dinner last August. 

Because that night, as I often did…

I stood in the doorway and watched him walk down the starlit path…

and I know that on that last night…

he felt my love. He felt our love. He was love.

So please …

BE LIKE NIELS…

Go out there and live life with a… 

BIG belly laugh 

that can be heard 

around the office

Down the street

Through the phone “lines”

Across the golf course

Or floating all the way down the bedroom hall as you are lulled to sleep by his laughter and love…