What’s a Mother?

I’ve been emotional the last few days and I hadn’t identified why. That happens a lot these days. Then Blair asked me what I wanted to do for Mother’s Day and friends started asking me how I’m feeling about Mother’s Day.

Ahhhh…there it is…there’s the answer to my emotional state. My answer when asked about Mother’s Day? I’m basically ignoring it. I know that this Mother’s Day is going to be different. It’s my first without my son, Niels and the first without my mom. So really, it doesn’t feel like the year that I want to celebrate motherhood. Because being a mom is hard. Damn hard. With all the big and little joys come the big and little sadnesses. The worst sadnesses.

This morning I decided to go on a solo walk with Dug. We walked to Panama Bay for a coffee for me and a croissant for Dug. I always take a deep breath when I’m there and I give a tap to Niels’ photo as I exit the shop. Today my favorite barista, Maddie was there and she unexpectedly came out from the shop as Dug and I were waiting for my drink. I didn’t see her approach so when I turned and saw her next to me, I was surprised. She is the sweetest woman. (Really, a girl in my mind, but she’s getting ready to transfer to UCSC so…) She came to me and with her soul-searching eyes said, “I just wanted to check in on you and see how you are this weekend.”

I never know what’s going to come out of my mouth when I’m asked that question. Today, with Mother’s Day on my mind, my eyes immediately brimmed with tears and I said…”Niels is my last thought before I fall asleep at night and my first thought when I wake up in the morning.”

Maddie simply looked at me, gave me a long hug and after that sweet, quick moment of connection, she went back to work. It was such a sweet, gentle caring gesture.

So how will I celebrate Mother’s Day tomorrow,? First, I’ll give Blair a big hug. I’m so grateful she’s here with me. She brings me so much comfort and joy. And then when I’m feeling all the feels, I’m going to take some time to think about the concept of mom. For me, a mother is someone who takes care of others. Someone who sees others’ needs and gives of her heart to fill theirs. Maddie certainly did that for me this morning.

And to honor all the moms on their motherhood journeys, I’m going to spend some time thinking about all of the mothers in my life. My mom, of course is the first. But there are also all the moms who also raised me – Mrs. P, Mrs. C, my sisters, the women who mentored me in my early career, my mother-in-law, and my friends who are still finding ways to take care of me as I navigate my feelings of loss.

I’ll also listen to the voicemail Niels left when he called me on Mother’s Day last year when we were in Hawaii. I will cry BIG tears.

And I will remember one comforting “ism” that my mom always told me when I was feeling sad. It’s helped me more times than I can remember and I’ve often repeated it to others. She told me…Crying is cleansing. So I’m going to let the tears roll, embrace my feelings and let my tears comfort my heart.

I will try my best to cleanse my broken heart. I will do as my mother told me to do.

And I will honor all the moms (of every sort) who are holding up the world with their loving, caring hearts.