Just Another Sunday Morning

Sunday Morning – I’ve said Sundays were going to be difficult. The truth is…I’m never sure which day will be hard.

This Sunday is a bit different. It’s the first day of December. It’s my birthday and Niels is not going to be here to celebrate with me.

I woke up thinking about him. I often wake up and have a short talk with him. Today I found myself “walking” through his Sunday routine with him – at least as much of it as I can surmise.

Sunday was his D&D day – Dungeons and Dragons. I’m sure he slept in late enjoying a day “off”. He eventually would have gathered his D&D kit and made his way to BART to get over to Berkeley where he met his friends. He’d stop at Trader Joe’s for snacks to share (Sophie told me he always brought a stuffed TJ’s bag) and then they’d spend the afternoon creating a new world together. His D&D friends told us about his love of a good battle and his love of collaborating on a story line. They loved the humor, passion and joy he brought to their gatherings. One of the things I’ve collected from his condo is all of his notes where he developed his characters and their world. They were scattered in various notepads and notebooks and I haven’t had the courage to read them yet. They seem so personal to me. I remember when we made our trip to Disneyland a few years ago (for Star Wars), he explained the world he was creating…it was all foreign to me…I tried to understand as he patiently described his characters (that’s not even the right word), plot and how they played the “game” each week. (I don’t think they call it a “game”.)

On Sundays, after his afternoon in Berkeley, he’d make his way to his home or maybe just straight to our house (also his forever home). When he arrived, I’d hear the door open, wait for him to drop his stuff in the dining room and for Dug to go bark at him before he’d come into the kitchen/family room. I can hear and feel all of those sounds so clearly. The expectation of him coming over on Sunday was always a highlight of the week.

After initial greetings, we’d all chit chat about his D&D day and then we’d all settle into our routine – watching some sporting event, sharing about our weeks, Niels often helped me out in the kitchen and then there’d be some serious discussion in which someone got passionate about making some point and…Groundhog Day all over again!

We’d have dinner and I always made a dessert on Sunday. i tried to have a Niels favorite one week and a Blair favorite the next. (Blair’s was always chocolate, Niels’ was always fruit.) Glen would usually head to bed and Niels would hang out a bit longer. Sometimes I went to bed to let Niels and Blair have some time to discuss life together. I loved nothing more than to hear their voices and laughter from the other side of the house.

I didn’t always walk Niels to the door because sometimes when he was ready to leave…he was ready. But I often did and I’d give him a hug and say have a great week or some such nonsense and I usually told him “i love you” and he always replied, “I love you, too”. And I’d watch him walk down the path to the street and head home…ready for his work week…and I’d be thinking about next Sunday – what to have for dinner and dessert, what stories we could tell about our weeks, what plans we could make…

And that was his Sunday. At least as I knew it.

So this morning, December 1st, as I woke up thinking about Niels and about my birthday…I heard the front door open and close. I heard him pile his stuff on the dining room table. I heard Dug barking as he came into the kitchen and I greeted him with a hug and a smile and I asked about D&D, I told him my birthday plans and I said…

I love you. Stay close. Be with me. Sunday. Every day. Always.